PUBLIC
DOCUMENT
DEPARTMENT
OF STATE
Office of Traveler Information
France
- Consular Information Sheet
January 27, 2002
The
following advisory for American travelers heading for France was compiled
from information provided by the U.S. State Department, the Central
Intelligence Agency, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug
Administration, the Center for Disease Control and some very expensive
spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as
a guide for American travelers only and no guarantee of accuracy is
ensured or intended.
Geography
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated on the continent
of Europe, and is, for all intents and purposes, useless. It is an
important member of the world community, although not nearly as important
as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some
smaller nations of no particular consequence or shopping opportunities.
France is a very old country with many treasures such as the Louvre
and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to Western civilization are
champagne, Camembert cheese, the guillotine, and body odor. Although
France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning
is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican
food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the
people willfully persist in speaking French, although many will speak
English if shouted at repeatedly.
People
France has a population of some 62 million people, most of whom
drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously
oversexed and have no concept of standing patiently in a line. The
French people are generally gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant,
aloof and undisciplined; those are their good points. Most French
citizens are Roman Catholic, although you'd hardly guess it from their
behavior. Many people are Communists and topless sunbathing is common.
Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie and they kiss each other
when they hand out medals. American travelers are advised to travel
in groups and to wear baseball caps and colorful pants for easier
mutual recognition.
Safety
In general, France is a safe destination, although travelers are advised
that France is occasionally invaded by Germany. By tradition, the
French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary
shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball
scores and stock market prices, life for the visitors generally goes
on much as before. A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the
English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier
for the French government to flee to London.
History
France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important
historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques
Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and
is now an airport.
Government
The
French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held
more or less continuously and always result in a run-off. For administrative
purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts,
municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths and floor
tiles. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (although,
confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are
either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom can be trusted. Parliament's
principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South
Pacific and acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the
most current State Department intelligence, the current President
is someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at
this time.
Culture
The French pride themselves on their culture, although it is not easy
to see why. All of their songs sound the same and they have hardly
ever made a movie that you want to watch for anything except the nude
scenes. Nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel (except
perhaps an evening with a French family.)
Cuisine
Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail
is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other
hand, are excellent although it is impossible for most Americans to
pronounce this word. American travelers are therefore advised to stick
to cheeseburgers at McDonald's or the restaurants at the leading hotels
such as Sheraton or Holiday Inn. Bring your own beer, as the domestic
varieties are nothing but a poor excuse for such.
Economy
France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's
economy in Europe, which is surprising since people hardly ever work
at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they
are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors.
France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy,
are wine, passenger jets, satellite launchers, perfume, guided missiles,
champagne, high-caliber weaponry, grenade launchers, tanks, attack
aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.
Conclusion
France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape
and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country
if French people didn't inhabit it. The best thing that can be said
for it is that it is not Spain. Remember no one ordered you to go
abroad. Personally, we always take our vacation in Myrtle Beach and
you are advised to do the same. Thank you and good luck.
--IF
YOU HAVE READ IT IN ITS ENTIRETY, IT SHOULD BE CLEAR TO YOU THAT THE
ABOVE TEXT IS A SATIRE--
(AUTHOR UNKNOWN)
