7400.201 Courtship Marriage and the Family
Chapter 13: Becoming a Parent

The birth rate in the United States has declined considerably during this century. In fact, since the early 1970s, the birth rate has been below the replacement level.   The birth rate has fluctuated considerably: declining dramatically from the mid- 1950s to the mid-1970s, leveling off and increasing somewhat in the late 1980s, and dropping again in the early 1990s. In generally birth rates are higher among the poor and minorities than among nonpoor whites. The ideal number of children has changed over time; according to surveys, by the late 1990s, 41 percent of Americans said that three or more children is the ideal, and the mean number preferred was 2.5.
Reasons for Having Children:
The birth rate in the United States has declined considerably during this century. In fact, since the early 1970s, the birth rate has been below the replacement level. The birth rate has fluctuated considerably: declining dramatically from the mid-  1950s to the mid-1970s, leveling off and increasing somewhat in the late 1980s,  and dropping again in the early 1990s. In generally birth rates are higher among  the poor and minorities than among nonpoor whites. The ideal number of   children has changed over time; according to surveys, by the late 1990s, 41  percent of Americans said that three or more children is the ideal, and the mean  number preferred was 2.5.

• -Biological Drive to want children?
• -Cultural expectation to parenthood. we see voluntarily childless persons as selfish
• -Political reasons for having children-workers,soldiers
• -Economic reasons - agricultural areas have larger families
• -Familial reasons to extend the family name, carry on the family business, family pride.
• -Religious reasons
• -Personal Reasons: extension of self prestige & status-maturity power trip vicarious living of chldhd a developmental task pleasure of parenthood

In spite of all the reasons for having children, increasing numbers of couples have  opted to be child-free. By the mid-1990s, 8.9 percent of American women aged  fifteen to forty-four years of age indicated that they expected to have no children.   People make this decision for a variety of reasons.
 1. personal fulfillment
 2. focus on career
 3. economic costs of children
 4. focus on the marriage
 5. doubts about parenting skills

Just as there is a substantial number of unwanted pregnancies, there is a substantial number of people who want children but who cannot bear them.

• Infertility is usually defined as the inability to conceive after a year of unprotected sexual intercourse. There are different causes of infertility, including, in the case of the female, endometriosis, blockage of the fallopian tubes, and improper ovulation; in the case of the male, low sperm count or inadequate sperm motility are the leading reasons.
• Coping with infertility may be difficult and can be compared to a process of grief, including the stages of surprise, denial, anger, guilt, depression, and resolution.

• Artificial insemination involves the infection of sperm into a woman’s vagina. Artificial insemination uses either the husband’s semen (AIH) or that of an anonymous donor (AID). AIH is useful when the husband’s sperm count is low. AID is less acceptable to people than AIH.
• If the infertility is due to damaged or blocked fallopian tubes and the condition cannot be corrected, the couple may opt for in vitro fertilization, wherein eggs are removed from the woman’s body, fertilized with sperm in the laboratory, and then implanted in the woman’s uterus.
• When the wife is infertile or incapable of carrying a child, a couple may opt for a surrogate mother. The surrogate mother may be inseminated with the husband’s sperm or, if the husband is also infertile, with the sperm of a donor.
• Adoption is yet another option for the infertile. Children may be adopted either through an agency or through a private adoption. Open adoptions are becoming more common, which are in contrast to the secretive processes of the past. An open adoption avoids the problem of the adopted child’s desire to know about his or her genetic heritage.
  

The relationship between having children and the quality of life is complex.

• Clearly, raising children is a demanding and sometimes agonizing task. The stresses of child rearing may begin as soon as the infant is brought home. The bulk of parents agree that the teen years are the most difficult of all. The stress can get intense when the marriage itself is troubled and one parent enlists a child into a coalition against the other parent, a process called triangulation by systems theorists.

• Many studies have confirmed that marital satisfaction declines with the onset of the child-rearing years, then rises again when the children leave home. But, the relationship is extremely complex, including the possibility that marital satisfaction may even go up after the couple has children.
• In spite of the problems and the stresses, most people continue to want children. Generally speaking, satisfaction with the parental role is very high, with women reporting more fulfillment as parents than do men. While couples are likely to experience some decline in marital satisfaction during the childbearing years, that does not mean that they are dissatisfied with their marriages. The satisfactions of parenting seem, for most people, to outweigh the stresses and problems.

B. Developmental Tasks for Parents

• Have a genuine desire to become a parent, to Nurture children in a selfless, loving way.
• Wait to have children until the marriage relationship is well established.
• Realize educational and income goals, or be well on the way.
• Prepare for parenthood by anticipatory socialization:
• -take a child development class.
• -babysit together for other people's kids in a variety of age ranges.
• -read book reports to each other about parenting and child rearing.

All children have:
1. The right to be wanted.
2. The right to be born healthy
3. The right to live in a favorable environment
4. The right to loving care.
5. The right to acquire the intellectual, emotional, and social skills for coping effectively in our society.

Providing Love & Acceptance vs. Criticism and Rejection
Importance of parental affection:
• -increases child's self-reliance
• -increases independence
• -increases self-control
• -provides a sense of trust in parents, later in the world outside the family.
Love and acceptance usually form part of a broader pattern of positive family interaction and relationships.
Example: Parents who genuinely show acceptance of their kids also show interest in the child and what he or she is doing. This means: going to recitals, listening to jokes, CONSISTENTLY reading bedtime stories, always being accountable for your time and actions, TEACHing your children by example.
Parental Rejection: such as physical neglect, denial of affection, lack of interest in child's activities, harsh or inconsistent punishment, lack of respect for the child's rights and feelings. Effects are:
• low self-esteem
• feelings of insecurity
• inadequacy
• retarded intellectual development
• increased aggression
• loneliness
• generalized fear and anxiety
• guilt and depression
• later difficulties in giving and receiving love.
Example: lack of affection and rejection (when coupled with neglect or harsh punishment) is correlated with: fighting, aggression toward teachers (later cops), delinquency, social maladaptation, drug abuse, early entry into sexual relationships, suicide and clinical depression.

Supplying Structure: A clearly structured Environment:
• one that is orderly and consistent
• one that allows a child to know what is expected and acceptable
• one with clearly defined goals and objectives appears to foster healthy development.

1. clearly defined standards and limits so that kids understand what goals, means, and conduct are approved.
2. adequately defined roles for both older and younger members of the family, so that children know what is expected of both themselves and others.
3. established methods of discipline that encourage desired behavior, discourage misbehavior, and eal with infractions as they occur.

Encouraging Competence and Self-Confidence requires guidance: Children not only need assistance with academic skills, such as reading and writing, but also with social and interpersonal skills. (Cycle of violence studies, social incompetenc e "runs" in families, like social heredity).
Proper guidance used effectively requires knowledge of human development - and love.
D. Presenting Appropriate Role Models
Parents are always "guiding" their children, even when they don't intend to guide them.
E. Ineffective Parenting Conditions
• Disrupted parents - loss of father, lack of resources.
• Inadequate parents - inability to cope w/ ordinary problems (time, money, effort).
• Disturbed families - parents fight so much that children go unnoticed, enmeshment of the child into emotional problems of parents, exposure of child the constant emotional turmoil, irrationality.
• Antisocial parents - values not accepted by the wider community, dishonesty, lack of concern for others, crime, whacky religions.
• Abusive parents - characterized by violence.
F. Creating a Stimulating and Responsive Environment touching, tasting, listening, looking. Children must be constantly be motivated to move out of old patterns of behavior and desire and into new ones.

A. Conception requires: a viable ovum and a viable sperm, with their introduction shortly after ovulation. This takes place in the fallopian tube (usually). The zygote then moves down the fallopian tube where it comes to rest on the wall of the uterus. Only 1 sperm is allowed to enter the ovum. 23 chromosomes in the sperm are matched with 23 chromosome s in the ovum. Each pair of chromasomes contains all the genetic information necessary to determine an infant's physical and psychological characteristics.

Signs that Pregnancy has occurred:
1. menstrual cycles cease
2. breast enlargement and tenderness occurs
3. frequent need for urination
4. nausea
C. Variables to Attend to Regarding Pregnancy
1. Maturity of parents (biological, emotional, financial)
2. Timing of pregnancy / childbirth The life goals of BOTH parents The length of the marriage thus far The Degree of marital adjustment so far
3. Age of Parents
• Women's Fecundity period is ideally 20-35
• Women 17 or under - premature infants, congenital birth defects.
• Women over 40 - risk of brain and head developmental defects - Down's syndrome
• Men - sperm health is the only aspect of aging that is in decline over time. The average american sperm is not as healthy as in past generatons, due to health of men (lifestyle, air pollutants, carcenogens in the air, water, food, and soil).
4. Spacing of children 3 to 4 years apart. Older children can become surrogate teachers

Costs of prenatal and post natal care
From Conception to Delivery - $3000 to $6000
Genetic Counseling is sometimes necessary (some diseases tend to plague ethnic and racial groups) There are specialized testing procedures for these and other developmental factors.

Pregnancy by Trimesters = EVERY 3 MONTHS
1. First Trimester - the embryonic stage begins at the end of week three - Fetal stage begins between the sixth and eighth week when brain, muscles, blood vessls and heart are developed. Development of sketetal, nervous system, and excretory systems.. 1st trimester is difficult for the mother - Nausea, vomiting, fatigue, dizziness, headaches, depression, irritability and anxiety. Heightened emotionality. Husbands may deal with these changes in a number of ways. They may refuse to accomodate these behaviors, or they may act in an informed manner, trying to understand.  It is important that women are careful regarding the use of anti-nausea drugs - all drugs in fact. An understnadin g husband can largely replace dependence on these things - in fact . . . there is much less use and more informed use since daddies have been going to prepared childbirth classes.
Prenatal care suggests that pregnant women stay away from smoking (low birth weight, premature infants, and infants prone to s.i.d.s., and leads to infants who are unresistant to disease), and alcohol of any kind (fetal alcohol syndrome). Women should take their vitamins, get exercise and eat healthy, balanced foods.
2. 2nd trimester - most of the phsiological nasties go away, replaced by a 'pleasant' feeling for the mother. Quickening excites both. Husbands frequently lie with an ear on mother's abdomen, and even invite close friends or complete strangers for a listen or feel. Father's seem to enjoy this more than mothers - However . . .
3. 3rd trimester - more discomfort, not psysiological, but physical - momma is getting big in the middle. Because baby is getting bigger, pressure is applied to mom's internal organs, resulting in indigestion, a feeling of a constant need to urinate, shortness of breath, and a change in her center of gravity. Mother is stressed by the extra weight gain - self-image-wi se - so nicknames like 'Goodyear' or shouts of 'Thar she blows!" are not advised - Worries over the baby's health and development as well.
Couvade - in some primitive societies, men exhibit all the signs of the pregnant wife, screaming in agony over simulated labor pains, crying for comforts. Men will dress in wife's clothing, disguise straw dolls as infants and hide them under their clothes. These babies will be "delivered" in the same manner as the real baby and simultaneously.
The social function of couvade is to publicly establish paternity. Spiritually, the function is to confuse evil spirits lurking to enter the real child by waving the doll instead.
Prepared Childbirth Classes - Lamaze is pretty popular and will suffice.

• play and rough house with infants and young children
• tend to only hold the baby for pleasure not care giving
• gender role development seems to be father's concern.
• father organizes social activities - playing games events
  
  

1. promoting physical and motor development - nutrition, exercise, tactile stimulation, muscle development
2. promoting cognitive development providing a visual environment verbalizing often foster curiosity and interest transmission of values through demonstrated joy in learning and discovery. books - not expensive ones - magazines - active learning experiences.

• -one that is orderly and consistent
• -one that allows a child to know what is expected and acceptable
• -one with clearly defined goals and objectives appears to foster healthy development.
1. Clearly defined standards and limits so that kids understand what goals, means, and conduct are approved.
2. Adequately defined roles for both older and younger members of the family, so that children know what is expected of both themselves and others.
3. established methods of discipline that encourage desired behavior, discourage misbehavior, and eal with infractions as they occur.

• Encouraging Competence and Self-Confidence requires guidance: Children not only need assistance with academic skills, such as reading and writing, but also with social and interpersonal skills. (Cycle of violence studies, social incompetence "runs" in families, like social heredity). Proper guidance used effectively requires knowledge of human development - and love.
•  Presenting Appropriate Role Models - Parents are always "guiding" their children, even when they don't intend to guide them.
• Creating a Stimulating and Responsive Environment touching, tasting, listening, looking. Children must be constantly be motivated to move out of old patterns of behavior and desire and into new ones.  Children are priceless ...

• -direct costs include about $100,000 each from o to 18.
• - additional $30,000 for four years of college.
• -indirect costs from the lost interest on the $130,000 and lost time at work for parenting responsibilities, and lost educational opportunities.

• 1. Authoritarian parents insist on obedience requiring children to assume responsibility without respecting kids personal worth, privacy, or other human rights. There is the expectation of responsible behavior without the promise of increased privilege.
• 2. Permissive parents - insist on complete freedom for children and their enjoyment of all privileges without the expectation of responsible behavior. permissive and neglectful.
• 3. Authoritative parents exert control and discipling gradually and developmentally. Limits are set to be broken as the child grows into maturity. Controls are placed as they are needed and relaxed as behavior training occurs. Of the three types of parenting, the resultant child is likely to be shy and withdrawn and prone to aggressive behavior if their parents were authoritarian. These people, while they achieve more in the $$$ sense, are very unsure of themselves and score low on self-esteem tests.

• - timing of discipline - swift and sure - soon after the offense. Sort of does away with "mom" or "dad" as the disciplinarian. Much like house breaking a puppy.
• -setting - punishment always in private. Only praise in public.
• -consistency - establishment of a clear pattern of offenses and punishments. What is wrong today is wrong tomorrow, until it isn'twrong ever again.
• -parent-child relations - punishment can be less severe if the child loves the parent, trusts the parent. Often no punishment is necessary - replaced by informative talks.
• -intensity - loss of privileges, toys, scolding, begin with reason, can't reason with a 1 year old. - don't have to.
• inductive forms of control - "Why do you think kids smoke?" "How are we going to keep this room clean?"

A. The marriage is about to change forever, so be mindful of three steps:
1. Negotiation of a satisfactory pattern of exchange love and affection now that children are present.
2. Watch for the "Path of Least Resistance" as children take more and more away from the parriage relationship.
3. Investigate Joint Parenting Styles.
4. Discuss the new role expectations each has of the other.
5. Maintain the marriage relationship by making special times for each other's company.

• -take care of children's needs
• -emotional -physical -daily routines
• -manage the affection in the family
• -socialize children
• -be the disciplinarian -
• be the companion to kids
• -be their confidant
• -be their nurse/doctor/psychologist
• -bread winner