The Nature of Communication
Communication is the effective use of all our powers to get our point across to another person. Experts are fond of the saying It is impossible to "Not" Communicate - by our very silence we are telegraphing our anger, pleasure, or some other meaning.

We can miscommunicate by deliberately or unintentionally lying, not paying attention, or remaining unaware of our real wants and needs. Becoming a good communicator requires practice and skill development beyond what we learned in high school.

Failure to communicate is the #1 reason for the failure of relationships.

Communication Channels
Communication is made up of two basic parts (excuse the jargon):

• Verbal Communication is Language - words spoken or on a page.
• Nonverbal Communication is everything that is not language, such as tone of voice, inflection, facial expressions, body language, the use of gestures, and so on.

Verbal Communication Channel's main function is the Report Function where the Content of the Message (Information part) is delivered. When anyone uses a word - it has meaning because we've all been socialized to understand it. For example that L-O-V-E means hearts & flower provided the sender and receiver(s) have enjoyed similar socialization. Problems arise when the actors have disparate socialization experiences.

The verbal portion is also known as the digital portion - words, signs, symbols used to convey information. Our culture is rich in examples of these, and to insure our messages are understood we use redundancy - a powerful safeguard against error and misunderstanding. Redundancy refers to the probability that patterns of content follow or precede other patterns. If one part of the message is missing or goes unheard - the receiver can still manage to understand most of the entire statement. For example:

1. "i" before "e" except after "c"
2. How many "p's" in Stop, Stopping, Stopped
3. rules about using double vowels

NonVerbal Communication Channels comprise the Relationship Functions - also known as the analog portion of communication, and includes such things as:

• mimicry.
• paralanguage ("ummmmmmm", "aahhhhhh", baby talk).
• kinesthetic aspects - pointing, waving, touching.
• voice tone
• eye movements
• sneers
• looks of anger or happiness

• adopt a serious tone in your voice
• preface your remarks with a warning that something important is coming
• put on a serious "face"
• tell them to listen carefully
• then make your remarks while ...
• holding their hand and ...
• looking at them face to face.

A sort of social/intellectual intelligence. Over time, patterns of redundancy idiosyncratically develop in family systems resulting in communication styles particular to individual families.

These may be considered as Relationship Rules on which a couple bases their whole style of talking. Included here might be Who initiates and concludes interaction, Who occupies family status positions. Who performs role assignments. Families who do not make full use of nonverbal communication channels, or who have low social intelligence, are prone to inefficient communication - confusion and chaos - taking on the characteristics of a randomness and senseless family communication patterns.

Symmetrical and Complementary Patterns of Communication.

With symmetrical interaction patterns, partners mirror each other's behavior.
Here there is a sense of equality and a minimization of differences. Sounds good so far.
In the extremis, however, such a relationship can escalate to intense competition to make a point
- a sort of mini-arms race.

With complementary interaction patters - one person's behavior complements the other's
This is often situational and rational, and a dominant/submissive relationship can develop.
Here there is a sense of inequality and maximization of differences.
In the extremis, such a relationship can lead to inappropriately fixed roles (i.e., grown children still fully dependent on parents simply because they have always been the parents).

Most couples do not possess these skills at the time they become a couple. If motivated to understand each other, the couple can learn to talk to each other and develop their relationship.
And there's the rub ... in research on teaching and retaining communication skills, highly intelligent couples who can demonstrate their skills sometimes choose to deliberately miscommunicate.

Often Used Patterns of Ineffective Communication
Used either in error or knowingly to control people and situations.

• Mind Reading - assuming we know what the other is thinking and feeling.
• Sending Double Messages - a message that has two conflicting meanings
• Gunnysacking - nursing past grievances and bringing them up for review while trying to resolve a present conflict
• Stereotyping - all women are like that
• Using You Sentences - You always do this!
• Using Why Sentences - Why do you always have to have your way?
• Using Yes, But... Sentences
• Using Accusing Sentences

Complete understanding of each other's role. It's the what you mean to me dialog that most couples should revisit throughout their relationship. While we sometimes like to sit together and do love talk just for fun, role examination should sometimes be serious business, clarifying our meaning to the other person.

Reciprocity in role performances - most of what we do in life is not a matter of choice.
We have to work, deal with minor relationships, attend to thousands of details.
The relationship is a separate matter that deserves its own time and place where we
get our needs met and meet sweetie's needs:

• material needs
• biological needs
• psychological/emotional needs
• physical/sexual needs.
Equivalence of role functions is a form of equality, and necessary to the health of the relationship. While people get to behave however they want, ignoring equality in the relationship is done at the actor's peril, and payback is a bitch whose name is Divorce. Paying attention to, and maintaining equivalence will preserve the relationship beyond hard times.

Focusing on the quality of interaction, as well as the quantity, is one way to manage equality.
Perhaps a lot of talk isn't always the right prescription - meaningful talk doesn't always have to take a lot of time. As complexity of family life increases, each family must evolve its own destiny and its own rules - the role of communication processes becomes increasingly central to healthy family functioning.

Poor Listeners are those who:
• pretend to listen
• attempt to placate the talker
• interrupt the talker before their turn comes up
• are self-conscious about the activity of listening
• falsely intellectual about the activity
Poor communicators employ destructive messages:
• Ordering
• Threatening
• Moralizing
• Providing Solutions
• Lecturing
• Criticizing
• Ridiculing
• Analyzing
• Interrogating
• Withdrawing.

-the Double Bind - Messages from different channels may serve to create a paradox through the simultaneous assertion of two mutually exclusive messages. Actors pay attention to this or run the risk of poor communication and poor role performance.
• "Put down than pencil or mommy will spank."
• Aunt Ellen stiffens as she sweetly asks for a Kiss.
Double Binds are more significant in the context of close and long lasting relationships - need a history.

-Disjunctive Communications Between Command & Report Functions -disparity between verbal and nonverbal communication.

"Honey, what's the matter?" - "Nothing!!!"
-Disqualification - sender invalidates his/her own message by preceding or following message with a disqualification on:
• Here's what I think, but don't go by me.
• This is a dumb question, but XXXXXX.
• I'm just a poor woman / a factory worker / inexpressive male and what do I know?
Disconfirmation or Mystification - Receiver denies sender's message and sender's legitimacy
• "You're not sick, just afraid!"
• "I can see how someone like you would say that!"
-Punctuational disjunctions - a chain of communicative events recurring in a relationship.
Ex: Person A brings up an unpleasant subject -> Person B withdraws to another room -> A responds by talking louder and following B - > B responds by ignoring A -> A responds by referring to further unpleasantries -> B -> and so on ...

Example: "I can't keep the house up because you won't even pick up after yourself - "I don't pick up after myself because what's the use? Who could tell the difference around here? -> It's always my fault! That's right blame me -> If the shoe fits wear it -> You know all about shoes because every pair you have is right there in the middle of the bedroom -> bedrooms? Now that's a subject you have a lot of experience with -> Don't start with me! -> Start? etc.

Punctuation also can refer to the confusion about the nature of family roles: Provider, Decider, Arbitrator.

1. Instrumental commands designed for routine role maintenance and performance.
2. Intrinsic communication designed to nurture the family's full potential of intimacy, depending on the family's tolerance for closeness.
Intimacy is a special kind of interpersonal sharing consisting of:
• detailed, deep knowledge and understanding arising from close personal contact or familiar, joint, experiences.
• a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship.
• sexual expressiveness in the case of marriage.
Each family (depending on governing family rules) will express intimacy differently, some not at all. We deal in intimacy using relational currencies, which differ from family to family.

Social Scientists have detected enough Patterned intimacy / Conflict cycles in families to warrant typology. Such patterned behavior serves to regulate the frequency of intimacies exchanged, and are caused by:

1. the Freedom versus Security Dilemma - The documented human need for intimacy (to be loved, held, caressed) seems real, but there is also a "fear of intimacy" in humans (fear of being controlled, loss of personal mobility).
2. Family themes, images, and boundaries that are rooted in member's past histories, and contributing to varying rates of intimacy development.
3. Habits of touching, consistent use of first names, remembrances, self-disclosure, well-defined role structure, negotiated rules for all of this.

Communicating intimacy also involves:

Demonstrated respect for family members by giving nonjudgmental feedback, and using Confirmation (Acceptance of Other) Techniques. for example:

It is more Confirming to:
• -talk to a person rather than about them. Includes: Verbal using person's name taking them seriously acknowledging their presence Nonverbal positive touching eye contact positive gestures (head nods)
• -use dialogue rather than monologue (don't lecture).
• -accept the other person and listen (don't jump to conclusions).
• -treat the other personally rather than impersonally.
• -differentiate between your sweetie and others.

1. Become an ACTIVE LISTENER. -Look at your partner -Concentrate on what is being said -Watch for nonverbal cues -Try to understand what he/she is trying to say. Communicate your interest in the interaction by responding periodically with "I see", "I get it".
2. Resist Distractions
3. Control your emotions and your tendency to respond before your partner is finished.
4. As questions and rephrase to clarify your partner's intentions.
5. Summarize (better yet, write down the important points you are trying to make. Make an outline.
6. Practice.

Cordova, J., jacobsen, N., & Gottman, J. (1993). Negative reciprocity and communication in couples with a violent husband. J. Abnormal Psychology, 102, 559-564. Violent couples exhibited a higher proportion of aversive behavior and less often facilitative behavior. They were also less satisfied maritally, and were shown to be more likely to reciprocate negative communication patterns.

Hamill, S. (1994). Parent-adolescent communication in sandwich generation families. J. Adolescent Research, 9(4), 458-582. Fathers who experience heightened concerns over mid-life issues made negative assessments of their communication with their teens. The degree of psychological maturity exhibited by teenagers was attributable to variations in their reports of communication with both parents, also greater psychological autonomy in adolescents' predicted the higher quality communication with parents. Mothers' experiences of strain in their relationships with her parents were associated with the quality of communication they shared with children.

Harper, J.M., Ellion, M.L. (1988). Can there be too much of a good thing? The relationship between desired level of intimacy and marital adjustment. American Journal of Family Therapy, 16, 351-359. There is a significant relationship between a couple's marital adjustment and the difference between their potential and desired intimacy. Couples who have exceptionally high intimacy scores may experience decreasing marital adjustment scores. Wives desired more intimacy than they were getting overall.

Larson, M.S. (1993). Family communication on prime-time television. J. Broadcasting & Electronic media, 37 (3), 349-357. The Cosby Show vs. the Simpsons

Noller. P., & Fitzpatrick, M. (1990). Marital communication in the eighties. JMF, 52, 832-843. Happy couples resolve conflicts in their relationships in a constructive manner. Distressed couples were more destructive, often avoiding conflict and attempting to manage it. Distressed couples also had greater gender differences (more traditional) in their communication styles and were more openly hostile.

O'Donohue, W., & Crouch, J. (1996). Marital therapy and gender-linked factors in communication. J. Marital & Family therapy, 22(1), 87-101. Women use longer utterances than men, but men spend a greater percentage of conversation time talking. When a topic of disagreement is raised by a woman, women tend to be more active in the exchange, while men tend to become withdrawn and silent. Men tend to use swear words more than women. However, in mixed gender situations, both men and women swear less than when in single gender situations.

Regarding nonverbal aspects of communication, men make more seat position shifts, smile, and laugh less often, and gaze at their partner less while listening. Women gesture more, smile more often and display fewer chin thrusts, and women look more at their partners while speaking. 

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