Seldom does anyone examine the reasoning behind wanting to have children.
Among the explanations given by social scientists:

• Acknowledgment of the Biological Drive to bear children? No one has ever adequately explained exactly how biology transforms into behavior, but it seems to do so.
• The cultural expectation to become parents. In our society, we ornately view voluntarily childlessness as selfish, self-centered. Parents of adults often demand that they be made grandparents.
• Political reasons for having children - parenthood is sometimes viewed by the state, ethnic group or subculture as being in its interest - can't fight wars and dominate other nations without young soldiers, can't build an industrial society without workers.
• Economic reasons - can't sell baby products if the birth rate is low - agricultural areas have larger families because children are included as property and beasts of burden.
• Familial reasons to extend the family name, carry on the family business, family pride.
• Religious reasons - though perhaps a bit mindless, religious dogma almost always includes some form of be fruitful and multiply teaching, which as often as not, serves to subjugate women and men to pecuniary labors.
• Finally - Personal Reasons:
• extension of self
• prestige & status
• maturity
• power
• vicarious living of childhood
• a developmental task
• and the sheer pleasure of parenthood
Nationalism aside, this last one is probably the most important one for individuals

Most girls have extensive experience playing family games - house, dolls, mommy. In our society girls are more likely to have been socialized in some ill conceived way to be mothers, while boys tend to run away from playing house. And although boys are generally still thought of as one day becoming wage earners, society really doesn't help them realize these values through play.

Every college graduate should be fairly familiar with Abraham Maslow's theory of self-actualization. Briefly, he asserts that before a person can care and nurture another, he or she must have experienced being loved and cared for, preferably since very early childhood. A person who is kept fed, sheltered, clothed, safe and secure is a good candidate for personhood, and can then further develop friendships, love for others, and high efficacy. Only those who achieve selfhood to this point have all the background experience to be good parents.

Further, there are some developmental tasks for prospective parents (couples!):

• They must have a genuine desire to become a parent, to nurture children in a selfless, loving way.
• Timing is important - waited to have children until the marriage relationship is well established.
• Realized educational and income goals, or be well on the way to such accomplishments.
• Prepared for parenthood by anticipatory socialization:
• taken a child development class.
• babysat together as a couple for other people's kids in a variety of age ranges.
• read books and reported to each other about parenting and child rearing.

Once a consortium of interested folk (psychologists, law makers, pediatricians, and so on) met in Washington D.C. to define the ideal state of existence for children worldwide. The result of their meeting was A Bill of Rights for Children from the Joint Commission on Mental Health of Children (1970)
They determined that all children have:

1. The right to be wanted.
2. The right to be born healthy
3. The right to live in a favorable environment
4. The right to loving care.
5. The right to acquire the intellectual, emotional, and social skills

for coping effectively in our society.

Sadly, U.S. parents are in a position to rear good citizens, yet they tend to violate the simplest rules of parental conduct. For an experiment, go to a place of commerce where children are supposed to be welcome (an amusement park, the grocery store, etc.) and listen for crying kids and crabbing parents.

Psychological Conditions Fostering Healthy Child Development

Providing Love & Acceptance vs. Criticism and Rejection
Importance of parental affection cannot be over-emphasized since it:
• increases child's self-reliance
• increases independence
• increases self-control
• provides a sense of trust in parents, later in the world outside the family.
Love and acceptance usually form part of a broader pattern of positive family interaction and relationships. For example: Parents who genuinely show acceptance of their kids also show interest in the child and what he or she is doing. This means: going to recitals, listening to jokes, consistently reading bedtime stories, always being accountable for your time and actions for years on end, teaching children by example.

Parental Rejection is rampant, such as physical neglect, denial of affection, lack of interest in child's activities, harsh or inconsistent punishment, lack of respect for the child's rights and feelings. The effects on children are obvious to most who think:

• low self-esteem
• feelings of insecurity
• inadequacy
• retarded intellectual development
• increased aggression
• loneliness
• generalized fear and anxiety
• guilt and depression
• later difficulties in giving and receiving love.
For example, the parental rejection, especially when coupled with neglect or physical punishment, is correlated with an array of acting out behaviors: fighting, aggression toward teachers (later, the police), delinquency, social maladaptation, drug abuse, early entry into sexual relationships, suicide and clinical depression.
The Importance of Supplying Structure

Children need to be supplied with an calm, orderly lifestyle to rely upon so that cogent cognitive development can ensure. A clearly structured environment is:

• one that is orderly and consistent ... and developmentally appropriate.
• one that allows a child to know what is expected and acceptable.
• one with clearly defined goals and objectives appears to foster healthy development. Clearly defined standards and limits on behavior pave the way for children's expectations in later life - what goals, means, and conduct are approved.
• One with adequately defined roles for both older and younger members of the family, so that children know what is expected of both themselves and others. Presenting appropriate role models is important in parenting since parents are always "guiding" their children, even when they don't intend to guide them.
• One with established methods of discipline that encourage desired behavior, discourage misbehavior, and deal with infractions as they occur.
Encouraging Competence and Self-Confidence requires guidance.
Children not only need assistance with academic skills, such as reading and writing, but also with social and interpersonal skills (i.e., cycle of violence studies show that social incompetence runs in families, sort of like social heredity).

Proper guidance used effectively requires knowledge of human development - and love.

Ineffective Parenting Conditions - here's the rub!

• Disrupted parents - loss of father, lack of resources.
• Inadequate parents - inability to cope w/ ordinary problems (time, money, effort).
• Disturbed families - parents fight so much that children go unnoticed, enmeshment of the child into emotional problems of parents, exposure of child the constant emotional turmoil, irrationality.
• Antisocial parents - values not accepted by the wider community, dishonesty, lack of concern for others, crime, whacky religions, separatist values.
• Abusive parents - characterized by violence and verbal assaults on the self.
All these situations make parenting even more difficult that is would ideally be. And all these conditions abound in our society.

Creating a stimulating and responsive environment doesn't require enormous expenditures of money - but it does take lots of time - times spent touching, tasting, listening, looking teaching, exploring. Children must be constantly be motivated to move out of old patterns of behavior and desire and into new ones. For parents who can't afford paper for drawing, there's ton's of it thrown away everyday by businesses - and it is blank on one side. When I was a kid, I was always looking at the ground as I walked along - people thought I was depressed. What I was doing was emulating my father who taught me to use what I could find.

Conception requires: a viable ovum and a viable sperm, with their introduction shortly after ovulation. This takes place in the fallopian tube (usually). The zygote then moves down the fallopian tube where it comes to rest on the wall of the uterus. Only 1 sperm is allowed to enter the ovum. 23 chromosomes in the sperm are matched with 23 chromosome s in the ovum. Each pair of chromosomes contains all the genetic information necessary to determine an infant's physical and psychological characteristics.

Signs that Pregnancy has occurred:

1. menstrual cycles cease
2. breast enlargement and tenderness occurs
3. frequent need for urination
4. nausea
Variables to Attend to Regarding Pregnancy
• Maturity of parents (biological, emotional, financial)
• Timing of pregnancy / childbirth The life goals of BOTH parents The length of the marriage thus far The Degree of marital adjustment so far
• Age of Parents
• Women's Fecundity period is ideally 20-35
• Women 17 or under - premature infants, congenital birth defects.
• Women over 40 - risk of brain and head developmental defects - Down's syndrome
• Men - sperm health is the only aspect of aging that is in decline over time. The average american sperm is not as healthy as in past generations, due to health of men (lifestyle, air pollutants, carcinogens in the air, water, food, and soil).
Spacing of children 3 to 4 years apart. Older children can become surrogate teachers
Costs of prenatal and post natal care
From Conception to Delivery - $3000 to $6000. Genetic Counseling is sometimes necessary (some diseases tend to plague ethnic and racial groups) There are specialized testing procedures for these and other developmental factors.

Pregnancy by Trimesters

First Trimester - the embryonic stage begins at the end of week three - Fetal stage begins between the sixth and eighth week when brain, muscles, blood vessels and heart are developed. Development of skeletal, nervous system, and excretory systems..

1st trimester is difficult for the mother - Nausea, vomiting, fatigue, dizziness, headaches, depression, irritability and anxiety. Heightened emotionality. Husbands may deal with these changes in a number of ways. They may refuse to accommodate these behaviors, or they may act in an informed manner, trying to understand.

It is important that women are careful regarding the use of anti-nausea drugs - all drugs in fact. An understanding g husband can largely replace dependence on these things - in fact . . . there is much less use and more informed use since daddies have been going to prepared childbirth classes.

Prenatal care suggests that pregnant women stay away from smoking (low birth weight, premature infants, and infants prone to s.i.d.s., and leads to infants who are unresistant to disease), and alcohol of any kind (fetal alcohol syndrome). Women should take their vitamins, get exercise and eat healthy, balanced foods.

2nd trimester - most of the physiological nasties go away, replaced by a 'pleasant' feeling for the mother. Quickening excites both. Husbands frequently lie with an ear on mother's abdomen, and even invite close friends or complete strangers for a listen or feel. Father's seem to enjoy this more than mothers - However . . .

3rd trimester - more discomfort, not physiological, but physical - momma is getting big in the middle. Because baby is getting bigger, pressure is applied to mom's internal organs, resulting in indigestion, a feeling of a constant need to urinate, shortness of breath, and a change in her center of gravity. Mother is stressed by the extra weight gain - self-image-wi se - so nicknames like 'Goodyear' or shouts of 'Thar she blows!" are not advised - Worries over the baby's health and development as well.

Couvade - in some primitive societies, men exhibit all the signs of the pregnant wife, screaming in agony over simulated labor pains, crying for comforts. Men will dress in wife's clothing, disguise straw dolls as infants and hide them under their clothes. These babies will be "delivered" in the same manner as the real baby and simultaneously.

The social function of couvade is to publicly establish paternity. Spiritually, the function is to confuse evil spirits lurking to enter the real child by waving the doll instead.

Prepared Childbirth Classes - Lamaze is pretty popular and will suffice.

When baby comes home from the hospital, the realistic expectations of parents are realized.
Our society, through social expectations, burdens mothers with most of the developmental and nurturant duties of child rearing.

Fathers traditionally are expected to:

• play and rough house with infants and young children
• tend to only hold the baby for pleasure not care giving
• gender role development seems to be father's concern 4. father organizes social activities - playing games events.

Effective parenting for infants through school age:

1. promoting physical and motor development - nutrition, exercise, tactile stimulation, muscle development
2. promoting cognitive development providing a visual environment verbalizing often foster curiosity and interest transmission of values through demonstrated joy in learning and discovery. books - not expensive ones - magazines - active learning experiences.
Children are priceless ...
• -direct costs include about $100,000 each from o to 18.
• - additional $30,000 for four years of college.
• -indirect costs from the lost interest on the $130,000 and lost time at work for parenting responsibilities, and lost educational opportunities.

Discipline: Diana Baumrind (1979) offers a typology of parental styles with research that documents the typical child from each type of parenting style.

Authoritarian parents insist on obedience requiring children to assume responsibility without respecting kids personal worth, privacy, or other human rights. There is the expectation of responsible behavior without the promise of increased privilege.

Permissive parents insist on complete freedom for children and their enjoyment of all privileges without the expectation of responsible behavior. Neglectful parents are included as permissive.

Authoritative parents exert control and discipline gradually and developmentally. Limits are set to be broken as the child grows into maturity. Controls are placed as they are needed and relaxed as behavior training occurs. Of the three types of parenting, the resultant child is likely to be shy and withdrawn and prone to aggressive behavior if their parents were authoritarian. These people, while they achieve more in the $$$ sense, are very unsure of themselves and score low on self-esteem tests.

If their parents were permissive, the resultant child will likely grow up hedonistic, easily bored and unexcited by life, and unhappy. More likely to be depressed. Among all children, the ones with authoritative parents were most likely to exhibit healthy expectations for themselves, and were more likely to have higher mental health. These are the healthiest of all children, with regard to parenting received. Permissive parents either never punish in any way, or they are very inconsistent with their issuance of punishments. Authoritarian parents are more likely to have more children, to use corporeal punishment.

Now - authoritative parenting takes four times as much energy and time, but the result is a child that is better prepared to face the enormous peer pressures of adolescents and young adulthood. These children are more self-assured and independent at earlier ages than children parented using other styles.

Which would you rather have in the long run - a child that is easily lead and influenced as a child and an adult - or a difficult strong willed child with the necessary information to make his or her own decisions.

Ways to use discipline in non-threatening (and therefore, healthy) ways:

• timing of discipline - swift and sure - soon after the offense. Sort of does away with "mom" or "dad" as the disciplinarian. Much like house breaking a puppy.
• setting - punishment always in private. Only praise in public.
• consistency - establishment of a clear pattern of offenses and punishments. What is wrong today is wrong tomorrow, until it isn't wrong ever again.
• minding the parent-child relationship - punishment can be less severe if the child loves the parent, trusts the parent. Often no punishment is necessary - replaced by informative talks.
• intensity - loss of privileges, toys, scolding, begin with reason, can't reason with a 1 year old. - don't have to.
• use of inductive forms of control - "Why do you think kids smoke?" "How are we going to keep this room clean?"

Parents of adolescents report lower levels of life satisfaction, less marital happiness, and more general distress than parents of younger children, or the childless.

Spite, revenge, passive aggressiveness, and rebelliousness toward parents are all normal, even healthy, aspects of adolescence. However, among families whose kids were seeing psychologists, feelings of closeness with siblings, and often a sublayer of harmony were the norm.

Current research shows that all bickering and arguments seldom undo close emotional bonds or lead adolescents and their parents to reject each other. In fact, it is precisely the conflict that is the mechanism that drives adolescents out of the house and into independence. If home life was completely satisfying, then children would never leave.

With the onset of puberty occurring a little earlier, the adolescent's need to "desatellize" and establish some autonomy, occurs a little earlier as well. Inconsistent parenting, blocked communication channels, and extremes of strictness (or permissiveness) can make a strained situation worse than it needs to be. Parents, because they've been making decision for their children for so long, like to think they have complete power to mold their children's personalities, and intellects. Clearly experiences are crucial and determine a child's basic nature by age six.

The Spockian Challenge

After WWII, a couple of million of ex - G.I.'s cam home and married their sweethearts and moved into a tract house. Dad took a job in a prosperous economy fed by WWII-Korea-Vietnam. Mom could stay home and tend to the house and kids. Suddenly everyone was having babies and the Baby Boom was in full swing. Several parenting books emerged with the diaper services and toy companies, and psychology departments.

Spock's book - listed symptoms of childhood diseases and remedies - and spoke for the first time about Baby's Emotional and Mental Health. (Only women were reading this!). Mom was told she was responsible for Baby's emotional stability. If baby was harshly disciplined, he wouldn't be emotionally responsive as an adult. She was instructed to allow baby to express itself - to think out loud, to be expressive. The highly moralistic 50's also taught baby to trust the government, Parents never lie, respect the truth, and be compassionate to those less fortunate. fight only as a last resort, and that America was the greatest place in the world to live.

As we entered the 1950's, we entered the age of the teenager, and the development of a distinct "youth culture". The Government played into the hands of this scenario by consistently getting involved in wars that they couldn't justify. The Economy also found the opportunity to sell more and more needless products to youngsters, based on the idea that teen love, teen sexiness, teenage bullshit angst, could be mined for profit. These things tended to be used by parents to replace the hands-on parenting for which they have little time, what with the job and all.

Here we are today, and the kids are screwed up (I don't have to remind anyone of the tremendous increases in the depth and breadth of juvenile crime.).

Marriage After Transition to Parenthood

The marriage is about to change forever after the first child arrives, so be mindful of three steps to maintain couple intimacy:
1. Negotiation of a satisfactory pattern of exchange love and affection now that children are present - sort of preventive maintenance through kissing.
2. Watch out for the Path of Least Resistance - as children take more and more energy away from the marriage relationship, couples sometime lose sight of their original goals.
3. Investigate Joint Parenting Styles - committees are probably bad in general, except where parenting decisions are concerned. Both parents need, at the very least, to know what the rules are, and should equally enforce those rules.
4. Discuss the new role expectations each has of the other. This is an ongoing process for change. The baby will need you when you desperately need your sweetie pie. Figure out how to manage both. One day the phone will ring and it will be someone from your child's school who want's to know where your child learned the "F" word. And that baby girl you love so much will one day want to initiate a sexual relationship with someone you hardly know. Be ready to discuss these issues as the happen. Anticipate if you can.
5. Maintain the marriage relationship by making special times for each other's company.
6. Maintain an equal, shared Division of Labor.

Who is going to:

• take care of children's needs
• coordinate meeting emotional & physical needs with daily routines
• manage the affection in the family
• socialize children
• be the disciplinarian -
• be the companion to kids
• be their confidant
• be their nurse/doctor/psychologist
• make the family income
Your family will work better if both parents do nearly equal amounts of each.

Sexuality - whatever the frequency of sexual activity, it is going to decline during pregnancy, and can decline overall after delivery. Husbands are willing to compromise during pregnancy, but will want their privileges back after delivery.

Barclay, K., Benelli, C., & Curtis, A. (1995). Literacy begins at birth: What caregivers can learn from parents of children who read early. Young children, 50(4), 24-28. Characteristics that foster early literacy development in children can be duplicated in child care centers - rich literacy environment, encouragement to early writing, structured activities, and interactive strategies during book sharing.

Belsky, J., Crnic, K., & Gable, S. (1995). The determinants of coparenting in families with toddler boys: Spousal differences and daily hassles. Child Development, 66, 629642. Neither demographic nor child-rearing differences significantly predicted any measure of coparenting. The more spouses differed on personality measures of extroversion and interpersonal affect, the more they were unsupportive with negative emotions. Increased daily hassles and larger personality differences between parents the less likely support for coparenting.

Belsy, J., Spanier, G., & Rovine, M. (1983). Stability and change in marriage across the transition to parenthood. JMF, Aug., 567-557. All said and done, having a baby has a slight negative to no impact on marital relationships for both men and women.

Benaskich, A., Brooks-Gunn, J. & Clewell, B. (1992). How do mothers benefit form early intervention programs? J. Applied Developmental Psychology. 3, 311-362. A meta-analysis of various intervention programs revealed significant effects on maternal employment and education, fertility, and mother-infant interaction, with 70% of the programs having a significant positive influence on maternal attitudes and knowledge about childrearing in a positive direction.

Brems, C., & Sohl, M. (1995). The role of empathy in parenting strategy choices. Family Relations, 44, 189-194. A child's behavior (good or bad) was the best predictor of parenting strategy choices - participants endorsing fewer rewarding/talking strategies and more negative ones for problem children.

Capaldi, D., Forgathch, M., & Crosby, L. (1994). Affective expression in family problem-solving discussions with adolescent boys. J. Adolescent Research, 9 (1), 28-49. 41-77% of family problem-solving time was taken up by neutral behavior, which appears to have reduced the overall duration of the session. Mothers and boys exhibited contempt for each other longer than did fathers and boys. The boys exhibited long durations of sadness and whining. Stepfathers showed some trend a slightly higher tendency for negative affect compared to biological fathers.

Crockett, L., Eggebeen, D., & Hawkins, A. (1993) Father's presence and young children's behavioral and cognitive adjustment. J. Family Issues, 14, 355-377. In regression analysis, all forms of father presence disappeared in the prediction of behavior and cognitive adjustment of children in favor of family resources, father's income contribution, and mother's IQ and educational attainment.

Forehand, R., & Nousiainen, S. (1993) maternal and paternal parenting: Critical dimensions in adolescent functioning. J. Family Psychology, 7, 231-221. Parenting styles of mothers and fathers were significantly related to each other. Mothers reported using more diverse parenting styles than fathers. An accepting parenting style appears to be the best predictor of school behavior and other aspects of adolescent functioning.

Friese, B., Hooker, K., Kotary, L., Schwagler, J., & Rimmer, M. (1995). Family stories in the early stages of parenthood. JMF, 57, 763-770. 96% of the sample reported talking about their childhood, most often to their children, at least occasionally. Fathers told stories with stronger achievement themes, mothers told stories with stronger themes of affiliation. Parents with preschool children most often told stories with achievement themes.

Giles-Sims, J., Strauss, M., & Sugarman, D. (1995) child, maternal, and family characteristics associated with spanking. Family Relations, 44, 170-176. Spanking was prevalent for 61% of the mothers of preschoolers, 34% of the mothers of 6-9 year olds, and 16% of the mothers with children older than 9. As SES increases, spanking decreases. While more boys than girls are spanked, among children who are spanked the frequency is the same. Older mothers were less likely to spank. The prevalence of spanking among unwed mothers was not higher than that of wed mothers, but the frequency of spanking was higher. Black mothers spank more, Catholic mothers spank less. Among the mothers who spanked preschoolers, their children are spanked an average of 150 times a year (10 times greater than those parents estimate).

Harris, K., & Morgan, S. (1991). Fathers, sons and daughters: Differential paternal involvement in parenting. JMF, 53, 531-544. Greater involvement of fathers with younger children was found. No significant differences in father involvement was found across same gender pairs of children (2 boys, or 2 girls), but mixed gender pairs of siblings resulted in greater father involvement with the boy. Further, men whose wives characterized the marriage as "not satisfying' were less involved with their children. Mother's full-time employment increased father's behavior toward children, but not his affective involvement.

Henwood, P., & Solano, C. (1993). Lonliness in young children and their parents. J. Genetic Psychology, Oct. 35-45. Signif. relationship was found between level of loneliness in a young child and that of the mother.

Langlois, J., Ritter, J., Casey, R., & Swain, D. (1995). Infant attractiveness predicts maternal behaviors and attitudes. Developmental Psychology, 31 (3), 464-472. Mothers of attractive infants engaged in more affectionate interacton with their babies. Mothers of less attractive infants engaged in more routine caregiving. Less attractive infants were perceived as interfering more in their parents lives - with boys seen as interfering more than girls. Attractive 3 month olds were more likely to tough, cling, and hold the caregiver.

Rueter, M., & Conger, R. 91995). Antecedents of parent-adolescent disagreements. JMF, 57, 435-448. A hostile family context correlates positively with disrupted problem solving and family disagreements. Such families grow more and more defensive and disruptive over time. Families bringing positive characteristics into early adolescence are likely to become increasingly warm and supportive, thus lowering the frequency of disagreements over time. Ryder, R. (1973). Longitudinal data relating marriage satisfaction and having a child. JMF, Nov, 604-606. the clearest finding was that women who have a child become more likely to report that their husbands are not paying enough attention to them.

Simetana, J., & Asquith, P. (1994). Adolescents' and parents' conceptions of parental authority and personal autonomy. child Development, 65, 1147-1162. Except for personal issues which adolescents felt were only their business, all other issues were seen by both groups as subject to parental authority. Such issues dealt with choice of friends and moral/prudence issues. Adolescents also viewed parents as being more permissive and authoritarian than did either mothers or fathers.

Strassberg, Z., Doge. K, Pettit, G., and Bates, J. (1994). Spanking in the home and children's subsequent aggression towards kindergarten peers. Development and Psychopathology, 6, 445-461. Least aggressive children come from homes in which both parents refrain from aggressive punishment, whereas spanking by either parent is associated with higher levels of aggression from the child in preschool. Spanking failed to promote prosocial development in every case.

Wallace, P., Gotlib, I. (1990). Marital adjustment during the transition to parenthood: Stability and predictors of change. JMF, 52, 21-29. Marital adjustment peaked for men and women one month postpartum, followed by a significant decrease at six months postpartum. For wives, the best predictor was their level of marital adjustment during pregnancy. For husbands, prenatal level of marital adjustment was the best predictor. 

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