I. Humans as Social Beings
Our need to interact with our kind, with members of our species is a basic human need, and the main reason we search for relationships with others - we want to avoid loneliness.
Loneliness is defined as an absence of social interaction. It is a feeling of being isolated from desired relationships, and comes in at least two varieties:

• Social loneliness - there is less interpersonal interaction than desired.
• Emotional loneliness - there are fewer intimate relationships than desired.

• Feelings of worthlessness
• Despair
• Constant worry/anxiety
• Irrational fears
• Lack of Concentration
• Irritability & anger
• Feelings of Guilt
• Crying Spells
• Feeling tired - Insomnia
• Pains in the heart
• Poor appetite
• Digestive problems
• Low libido
• Eating disorders
• Serious Illness
• Proness to accidents

• Failure to Integrate (feel a part of a group).

(see Philip Slater, The Pursuit of Loneliness - modern society makes intimacy difficult).
Size issues, standards for beauty, standards for performance are part of this conspiracy.
• Frequent Geographic Mobility - moving for the sake of employment.
• Childhood Experiences & Sadnesses - feeling abandoned during childhood.

It is the "natural" impulse for children to be congenial and conciliatory. Somehow, through socialization, we remove a great deal of the child's natural friendliness, replacing it with suspicion and doubt.

Lonely people relate casually, but have few, if any, intimate relationships.
Think for a minute - how many people do you personally know on whom you can really count for comfort, aid, assistance, or sympathy. I personally have two such confidants, and one of them is very old.

If healthy, fulfilled people operate from a base of intimacy, it isn't any wonder that therapy is such a thriving business. The need for frequent and consistent intimacy is well documented in social research:

• Harry Harlow's monkey studies pointed out that isolation and lack of intimacy leads to mental and physical health difficulties.
• Spitz's studies of orphaned refugee babies documented 'failure to thrive", in which babies died from lack of emotional attention.

Perils of Intimacy - the bad news is that by sharing our lives with another person, we open ourselves up for hurt - bitter, painful breakups, hurt feelings, disappointments. Nothing hurts like an intimate relationship going bad. How do we maintain our individuality and freedom and still commit ourselves to an intimate relationship? This is a risk that we want to take, and with careful planning and the right kind of communication, we can almost always win.

The Nature of Intimacy

The Meaning of Intimacy Intimacy - latin intimus - innermost and deepest.
Like love, there's no agreed upon definition, but Erikson comes close:

Intimacy is defined as the capacity to commit oneself to concrete affiliations and partnerships and to develop the ethical strength to abide by such commitments, even though they may call for significant sacrifices and compromises.

Intimacy includes trust, openness, sharing, mutual trust, self-abandon, and commitment.
It is an orientation to the other & the relationship, where a person's thinking, feelings, & behavior are focused on the other. There is caring and concern for the other, and where sexuality is a part of the relationship, it is focused on the other more that on one's self.

Intimacy and Equity (that a person gets their fair share of rewards and costs of a relationship). People strive to maintain a system of fairness such that each person in the system receives rewards that reflect his/her contribution. In order to find love and affection and caring, a person has to be willing to give more than they get. True love comes when a person is self-sufficient in every way, then allows another to do for term things they can do for themselves.

Characteristics of Growing Intimacy in Relationships

1. Interaction occurs more often, for longer periods of time, in a wider range of settings.
2. When separated, the partners attempt to restore proximity and feel more comfortable when it is regained.
3. Partners disclose secrets, share physical intimacies, and are more open in criticizing and praising each other.
4. The partners develop agreed-on goals, efficient means of communication, and stable patterns of interaction.
5. Investment in the relationship increases, enhancing its importance in the couple's lives and the feeling that their personal interests are tied in with the well-being of the relationship. With increasing investment comes greater commitment.
6. Couple comes to define themselves in terms of the other person - a certain "we-ness" develops.
7. Love, trust, and caring become stronger.
8. The relationship becomes viewed in a mystical way, a special one.

1. Emotional Intimacy- listening and caring
2. Social Intimacy - spending time together
3. Sexual Intimacy - sex is exciting prospect
4. Intellectual Intimacy - mutual thinking through
5. Recreational Intimacy - similar interests in activities

Tips for getting through to the other person.

• Be Specific
• Express feelings & perceptions-don't issue facts or demands
• Check your body language
• Allow for the other person's Perspective
• Use Feedback
Listening
• Pay attention
• Read body language
• Uncover hidden meanings
• Ask for Clarification
• Maintain an accepting attitude interaction is more rewarding when such talk is mostly positive.

Telling Secrets - Should we be Completely Honest???
I love you, but I have the hots for that redhead.
How do I look? A little chubby, but sweet.

Do We Ever Really Know another person?? Have to know oneself first.

Establishing Ground Rules - Structuring the relationship.

• 1. What goals do you want to achieve in the relationship
• 2. Establishing Roles and Power - Scripting Role Expectations - A<-> B

Reciprocal roles - mutual give and take

Of course, since intimacies are often exchanged in dyads, there's hardly ever any objective way to measure what we are getting - or if what we are getting is the right amount.
Standards of satisfaction - How do we know when we are happy?
Relationship Rules are most effective when:

• each person has similar backgrounds, goals, beliefs, and values
• the rules have been discussed and negotiated
• the rules are realistic and comfortable for both
• the rules are periodically reviewed and updated. - this is known as relationship maintenance.

It is a good idea for mature single people to maintain a Shopping List of important relationship characteristics that the one should possess:

• 1. Personal appearance - height, weight, hair, eyes
• 2. Personality traits - intelligence, dependability, sense of humor, integrity, honesty.
• 3. Economic potential - career potential or attainment, future prospects.
• 4. Beliefs and values - such as attitudes toward sex-roles, religious beliefs, and the values that guide the individual's behavior (morals).
• 5. Special interests and abilities - athletics, music, conversation alists
• 6. Your secret hopes and desires - a fantastic lover, someone who will take you around the world, whatever.

Forming an Impression - First impressions are formed in a matter of seconds and are difficult to change. These are mental ratings of others, formed by stereotypes, body language, a person's dress - snob, snooty, macho man, know-it-all, pleasant, nice, sweet, sexy, hot.

We Make Mental Ratings by relying on our perception of three factors:

• 1. Physical appearance - dress, grooming, stature
• 2. Person's behavior - readily observed behaviors we are willing to attribute to the person's self or personality.
• a. External situational determinants
• b. Internal dispositional determinants
• 3. Interaction possibilities - is this one worth continuing with.

Common Sources of Error in Sizing Up People.

• 1. Overgeneralizing - we too quickly arrive at a global evaluation of the person without adequate information.
• 2. Relying on our own Implicit Personality Theory: -if we believe people are basically honest, we will approach new relationships as if this specific person is basically honest.
• 3. Assumed Similarity - we tend to use ourselves as a reference point, assuming that other people are pretty much like we are in terms of feelings, beliefs, and values.
• 4. Use of Stereotypes - an overly simplified but widely shared belief about some group of people that is applied to all members of the group without considering the differences among them. - All black people have rhythm, all white people have middle class values, all women are scatterbrained, all latinos are hot tempered.
• 5. The Halo Effect - when first impressions distort our perceptions of the person - What a sweet person!!
• 6. Fundamental Attribution Error - a tendency to assume that people's behaviors arise from dispositional factors rather than situational factors.
• 7. Logical Error (if pretty, then sweet) and Leniency effect (giving the benefit of the doubt)

• 1. Physical Attractiveness - Beauty/Handsomeness, in conjunction with other desirable traits - dimples, cute butt, sexy voice, comforting manner, intelligence, compassion.
• 2. Similarity - after some conversation, a heightened sense of happiness with the find - intelligence, dependability , warmth, honesty, and mental health. Also, similarity in background - wealth, beliefs, interests, values, and social background.
• 3. Complementarity - traditionally men have been valued for their economic success or potential, while women for their beauty. NEED COMPLEM ENTARITY, however is simply filling in some of our gaps.
• 4. Mutual Liking - the biggest one - we like people who like us back. Sincere displays of affection go a long way. Studies show that we are more attracted to those whose fondness of us starts out neutral and grows over time.
• 5. Competence and Special Skills - we are attracted to people who are at least moderately competent at something. People who are vastly superior at many things we ought to be able to do ourselves are a turn off.

First Stage: Initial Meeting or Encounters - before engagement in small talk. Most people enjoy meeting others - interacting, learning about how other people think.

How do we go about meeting people - check 'em out? In our society - we have very definite NORMS (also known as behavioral guidelines) that govern initial meetings.  In our society, it is a norm violation to initiate conversations with strangers. We DISTRUST strangers. Speaking to strangers involves RISK of ridicule and rejection.

Notice that our intentions are almost always disguised: A person might be thinking, "I'm Horny - I want Sex Now", but he/she manages to move close to another person he/she finds attractive and summon up an innocuous comment. It is a bit corny, but we find ourselves saying things like

• Isn't this great dip?
• Do you like world music?
• Hi, I'm Emil.

Yes, it is good stuff. A little cilantro would help it though. I had this same thing on a recent trip to California. Really, business or pleasure? Well, a little of both - I work for the phone company ...

and in about an hour ...

I go to Gold's gym, the people there are serious about staying healthy. Me too, but I'm too shy to workout in front of all those people. Tell you what - Why don't you come with me sometime - say next weekend?

It is absolutely essential that we know ourselves, our interests - desires - hopes - dreams, before we attempt to initiate potentially serious relationships. Otherwise we'll be led around by our baser instincts.  Make that list, keep a diary, learn your own likes and dislikes, your own questions about things in general. This will be of immense service to you later, when you meet potential sweetie pies.

Tasks to be performed during the initial encounter

1. Determine the person's QUALIFIERS Does this person hold the characteristics you find attractive, appealing, desirable? Check your list?

2. Determine whether the person is CLEARED for an encounter (isn't "taken" by another, or committed to someone else, who has the same intentions that you have.

3. Find an OPENER that engages the person's attention Man, It has been hot this summer. How about them Indians! Do you come here often? What's a girl like you doing in a nice place like this? Be ready, if you are not the first to Open to respond with FOLLOW-UP OPENERS.

4. Finding an INTEGRATING TOPIC that interests both parties and keeps interaction going. Through small talk, we cover a lot of social territory. It is called small talk because it is a small world. Any two people, when motivated to do so, can find they have plenty in common. Birthdays, Aunt Ednas, visits to the same city, - It is the Art of Conversation, and it requires a good measure of self-confidence.

Should you decide that this person is not for you, you will need a set of CLOSERS - remarks that will end the encounter with a minimum of abrasiveness. But be careful!

Q: Where were you when John Lennon was shot?
A: In one of my mother's ovaries, I guess?

Small Talk is very important.
It isn't What You Say, as much as how you say it and how you listen.
Practice listening on your friends.
Appropriate head nods, Smiling at the right time, "ahuh", "me too", "Really!"
Small talk is supposed to be informal, warm, inviting, and a little titillating.

5. After evaluation of the encounter thus far, if this one still seems appealing - project a COME-ON SELF (a rewarding self) that induces the other to continue the initial encounter and be receptive to future ones.

Move in closer when she talks, make plenty of eye contact, and use the person's name once in a while ("That's an interesting point, Sarah), and if you feel safe enough - try a touch or two on non sensual body points ("Are you a piano player? You have such long, delicate fingers" - touching as you say it).

6. If the person passes the initial screen test, Schedule a SECOND MEETING in order to continue the relationship. "I have really enjoyed meeting you. What would you think of going out sometime. You are so easy to talk to." The Second Meeting should be in a setting that is a little more intimate, just a little more!

Self Presentation in Encounters

Impression Management - We work hard to make favorable impressions with those we want to impress - those we value. Impression Management is an activity, a task that we actively pursue. We try to control the impression we make by attending to how we look, what we say. 

IV. Developing Intimacy From Encounters to Relationships

Very few encounters are pursued beyond the initial meeting - because of time limitations, perceived incompatibility, or other reasons. We have no responsibility to continue to see others in order to make them happy. There has been no investment as yet.

However - often there is INEQUITY in such relationships.

The PRINCIPLE OF LEAST INTEREST is always at work while relationships are forming
Least Interest means that the person with the least interest in continuing the relationship is in the most advantageous position to dominate the form that the relationship will take.
(That's why intimacy is so difficult).

When attempting to UPGRADE an encounter to the status of relationship (i.e., "We are seeing each other". "We are a thing") Ground Rules are negotiated (what each person will contribute, and what each will get from it). These ground rules are hardly ever verbalized - and there is the rub! Unexpressed expectations can and do lead to misunderstandings, disappointments and malfunctions.

Social Exchange Theory maintains that the rewards minus the costs of a relationship will determin whether or not it is continued.
If costs are percieved by either person to be greater than rewards - it'll end.

Exchange theory uses economic terms, such as Investment, Building an Equity in a relationship, Rewards, Costs, Profits, Losses.

At first, we tend to stay in relationships that are more rewarding than they are costly

Rewards can vary in the form they take:
We may like the sex, or the financial security that might result.
We may like doing things for our new sweetie. We may enjoy the intellectual stimulation.

Costs can also vary - the loss of personal freedom that comes with budding commitment, which has nothing to do with the other person specifically.
Or our new sweetie can have problems that embarrass us or gross us out.

After a relationship is formed, we tend to stay if either:

Over time, we tend to INVEST in the relationship, delaying gratification, building up equity - so that we can cash in at a later date. Both persons in a relationship tend to try to keep a balance of accounts for rewards between each other.

If one person does to much (makes the relationship too rewarding) for the other, these rewards can become a cost. Nobody likes to get into debt - because payback is a drag.

Some other useful terms in Social Exchange Theory:

• Market Value = your set of characteristics / What are They???
• Comparison Levels - What you have (in terms of the other person) and what you feel you deserve. These are the standards against which we evaluate our present encounters an relationships.
• Comparisons can be based on Experience
• Comparisons can be based on alternatives we perceive as open to us.

Ever wonder how a relatively plain looking person can have magnetism and grace and charm and wit? Would you go out with someone who really thought they were nothing special.

Being a Rewarding (not Flattering) Person
"Before you can really love another person, you have to love yourself. You must understand that you are the hottest thing on two legs. Those lips, those eyes. Experts advise that we should remind ourselves of the good things about our bodies and ourselves. Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative, don't mess with Mr. In Between. We must learn to sincerely love ourselves. Then we can concentrate on loving someone else. 

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