Getting Involved - Beginning to Build Relationships

Almost all relationships begin with some type of Dating, of which there are two types of dating:

assortative (for fun and experience)
exclusive dating (the precursor to commitment, engagement, marriage)

Traditionally, dating generally occurs in the Marriage Market - out there, where everyone can be had for the right currency.

window shopping.

bargaining period.

finalized deal.

Each dating participant puts on a face or mask by attempting to project personalities that will please and attract the exact type of person they are interested in. This is known as pluralistic deceit in that most people are insecure enough to doubt the legitimacy of their real selves. Consequently, we tend to put on the dog by outwardly attempting to be the kind of person with whom, we think, the other person would want.

Finding people to date requires some understanding of certain sociological principles, if we are to be successful at it, as measured by the Selection of a Marriage Partner at the end of our dating experience. Keep in mind that approximately 94% of all Americans find someone to marry at some time during their lives.

The first of these principles is Propinquity, which refers to the tendency of people to meet and marry those with whom they have the most contact. So we find mates in school, in the neighborhood, at church, and so on (-this puts to rest the notion of there being a "Mr. Right" - or "one and only" just for us. We make that happen). We also find prospects through friends, at work, fix ups, at bars, laundromats, and the grocery store.

Similarity, Complementarity, and Compatibility are also important. On a personal level, we are interested in people who are to a great extent like ourselves (similarity), with perhaps a single outstanding characteristic in an area where we are weaker (complementarity). There are thousands of people who might meet these two criteria, but the third - compatibility - is a matter of personal taste. Since so much is riding on the proper selection, there are strong social norms surrounding who we date, and therefore who we have a chance at falling in love with. These sociocultural factors ultimately influence our choice of mates:

outside

b. Endogamy refers to the pressure to marry inside specified social groups (within our age group, within religious group, within our race or ethnicity, and within our social class). This principle is also sometimes referred to as homogamy (refers to pressure to marry people similar to ourselves in social background, values, and beliefs).

We begin assortative dating for experience and to develop our social skills, and gradually move toward exclusive dating. Over time in as dating becomes more exclusive, the layers of falsehood are stripped away (erode away) and we begin to know the other person more as we show more of ourselves.

The Process of Dating into Courtship

We are initiated early into dating as preparation for marriage:

in preschool we see marriage as heterosexual.
we pay attention to what mommies and daddies do.
we fantasize about being married, and play family.
marriage is taught to us as an attractive and desirable status.
marriage is personalized - when you are a mommy, you can be mean to your children.
we are quickly pushed together in mixed sex play in school and in family rituals.
we develop crushes (these are encouraged), and have imaginary steadies.
in adolescence we learn the cues that will serve us later in solving our gender identity crisis.

The Functions of Dating are Recreation, Social Skills Building, Status Achievement
and Providing for Mate Selection.

Dating:

Teaches us about members of the opposite sex - how to get along with them.
Allows us to improve communication and social skills
We learn to enhance our social attractiveness and promote intimate interactions.
We learn about ourselves through dating, get some understanding of our market value,
We learn to establish standards for later mate selection.
Sexual exploration can occur and some degree of gratification can be had
We determine compatibility with different partners and eventually select one.

Changing Dating Patterns in the last 20 years:

young people congregate in larger groups today.
there is less paring, and less use of friends to manipulate/insinuate relationships.
peer group standards in choosing dates are somewhat weaker.
there is more use of media standards -how do we know that breakin' up is hard to do?

There are Gender differences in the initial dating interaction: Men feel pressure to "put out" financially Women feel pressure to "put out" sexually While nobody claims to like this system, it is titillating and takes on a "game" nature. Males approach dating from a psychosexual orientation while females approach dating from a psychoaffectional orientation.

Little in the way of trust is shared early in the dating process. Both males and females fall back on traditional norms, developing skills in the playing of complex "games" to manage themselves.

Traditional dating has its critics

it is sexist leaving little choice
it is superficial as all encounters are.
it is deceitful - we put our best effort
it is unfair and arouses anxiety - who calls, who waits - etc.

Problems in dating

many find difficulty in getting dates
initiative is still largely up to the male, leaving the female in a submissive stance
almost everyone has had aversive dating experiences
young people lack many of the social skills necessary to successfully date
violence and date rape are increasing problems

As we move into an exclusive dating relationship more investment is put into the relationship - matched in equal parts by each partner.

Friends who are not in serious relationships tend to be pushed away, replaced by "couples" who will do "couples" things recreationally . We have couples over for dinner parties, instead of catching a buzz with our friends down at the tavern.

Engagement and/or Cohabitation - a period of extended exclusivity.

Exclusivity gives time to agree on and work out any fundamental living arrangements - finances, place of residence, spending patterns.
Provides time to re-examine the goals and means of the relationship.
Allows each other's families time to adjust to the eventual marriage of the two.
Provides time to make a final check of each other in terms of common interests, values, goals, comfort in each other's company.
Provides time to work out final details of the wedding.

Sex and the Single Person

AIDS has hardly put a damper on sex among some segments.
-the average number of sex partners over a lifetime for women is four (2-10 with the bell shaped curve in 1990), which is up from 1 (0-3 with the bell shaped curve in 1950).

Some have cited the increasing proliferation of pornography in every element of media as an indication that there is actually less dyadic, meaningful sexuality occurring among young adults.

As a culture, we seem to have moved from a dominant value of abstinence prior to marriage (pre-1950s), through the double standard of the 1950s and 60s), to the current value of sex with affection (love, in or out of marriage, is what's important). Recreational sex was never a dominant value in our society, despite claims to the opposite.

While sex is viewed as pleasurable (almost recreational at times), the dominate value in our society seems to tend toward sex with affection (love or something like it). That is, we all agree that this type of sexual relationship is the ideal, and that the reality falls somewhat short of the goal.

Booby Traps on the Singles Front

Sexual Exploitation -Date Rape: 20% to 30% of all college students

The Married Person Gambit - Married men are much more available and require less attention.

Forward to Falling in Love

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