The Institution of Marriage and Family holds all of the rules and guidelines by which we pair off, support each other for a lifetime, have and rear children through to adulthood. The process of institutionalization of behaviors and thinking about marriage and family emerges through trial and error methods. In Darwinian terms - institutions evolve out of social living - resulting in the survival of the fittest, most tenable methods for satisfying social and individual needs. For example, we needed a process of mate selection to propagate society.

Dating evolved as part of that process. Pairing off to begins as a way for young people to develop and explore their abilities as suitable "love interests", to engage the object of their hearts, and to have fun. Though partially unaware of the true meaning of the process, these adolescents will, in time, use dating as a way sort through the pool of eligibles to find the right person with whom they will have a family.

In times past, when love and marriage were not so inextricably tied together, mate selection was seen as too important a task to be left up to young people. This was especially true among royals and the upper class. Marriages would cement bonds between families with common political and economic interests. It is simply more difficult to invade France if one's son is married to the Princess of Tuscany or whatever. As personal fortunes and property became more important, concomitant with the creation and rise of the merchant class, marriages were seen as a way to cement loyalties between people not tied by blood relation. It is simply easier to pass one's millions to offspring and on one's relations. Marriage, because of it's importance beyond the young couple, became an arranged situation to secure these purposes. Thus, we have all the wonderful stories of monarchs marrying off their embryonic sons in prearranged agreements to the yet to be born daughters of other monarchs. Interestingly, stories of courtly love exist along side ones telling about the staleness of arranged marriages. One fights for the honor of maidens (King Arthur), the reward being a smile from one so lovely (since they dare not speak directly to each other).

Later on historically, as nationalism becomes less important, and society becomes more capitalistic and highly mobile, romantic love comes into vogue. Children are encouraged to choose their own mates here (within limits). Dating emerges as a device by which youngsters may get to know a wide variety of potential mates in a relative hurry. This couldn't happen until the society, as a whole, became more affluent. Teenagers need transportation and means!

As institutionalization occurs, spontaneous and experimental behaviors are replaced with more regulated, patterned behavior - which is the case for dating. While always evolving, dating is probably here to stay.

Individuals have Institutionalized roles to play in all this. These are sets of behavioral expectations which limit expression of personal eccentricity in favor of normally recognized behaviors. Our personalities are modified to fit the expectation, rather than being allowed to freely be expressed. By and large, social roles are strictly adhered to:

For example: A young dating couple have fun, explore each other's strengths and weaknesses, and generally get to know each other. They do all this behind a rather rigid set of roles. After several dates, they decide they must be in love. They feel passionately about each other. They also enjoy their youth. Now suppose they marry. What would happen, if college sweethearts, emersed in university life (frat parties, casual and revealing dress codes, spontaneous make-out sessions) eventually marry. The wife continues to drink heavily at company parties, wear short skirts, tube tops, no stockings, and smooches on her hubby in front of his colleagues. He continued to develop into a business and family man. She remained the college girl. Failure to adopt the spouse role results in failure of the marriage.

Socialization for marriage
Most of us emerge from adolescence with a positive marriage orientation - due to:

• the romantic love complex of: norms emphasizing romantic love and attachment as the only basis for a lifetime commitment. marriage being the only legally supported way of publicly announcing romantic interest & exclusivity.
• a preponderance of Marriage-like experiences: anticipatory socialization behavior of same-sex friends who date dating experiences / going steady / playing house. cohabitation
• During these experiences adolescents learn social skills on an intimate level - the proper interaction habits to learn, such as "guys pay - girls don''t pay!"

The Search for a Mate

In preparation for marriage, the more successful marriages have common elements.

1. personal readiness - the individual has studied the spouse role and practiced the behaviors in it. -disengaging from close relationships that might interfere with commitment to a marital relationship -accommodating one's premarital lifestyle and patterns of gratification to the new marital relationship

2. Financial adequacy is assured - marriage costs a lot of money, particularly if children are part of the deal. In addition to maturity factors, the main reason for failure of very young marriage is financial in nature.

Propinquity, Similarity, Complementarity, and Compatibility

Theories of Mate Selection:

This theory suggests that, through the process of Assortative Dating, we begin to narrow the field of suitable partners from many to one. We do this by submitting dates to a series of tests.

The Clockspring Theory - love develops between two people as their relationship progresses through a series of related and mutually reinforcing stages.

Love begins with:

Pairing Off / From Assortative/Casual to Serious/Exclusive Dating
Here more investment is put into the relationship - matched in equal parts by each partner. Friends who are not in serious relationships tend to be pushed away, replaced by "couples" who will do "couples" things recreationally. We have couples over for dinner parties, instead of catching a buzz with our friends.

Engagement and/or Cohabitation fits here as a period of extended exclusivity.

Exclusivity:

• gives time to agree on and work out any fundamental living arrangements - finances, place of residence, spending patterns.
• provides time to re-examine the goals and means of the relationship.
• allows each other's families time to adjust to the eventual marriage of the two.
• provides time to make a final check of each other in terms of common interests, values, goals, comfort in each other's company.
• provides time to work out final details of the wedding.

Requirements for a Wedding include:

• a marriage license
• a wedding ceremony performed by a person legally permitted to to so, wiith each person signifying his or her consent to the marriage.
• Absence of duress, coercion, or undue influence on either party.
• two witnesses of legal age to verify the event
• Signatures on the license of the couple, the witnesses, and the official presiding at the ceremony. - recording of the event at the state capital

A marriage contract is different from other legal contracts, in that parties do not usually draw up terms of agreement themselves. Contract provisions are finely printed by the state, and alteration of the contract must be state approved there are age requirements.

Legal Qualifications for a valid marriage:

• marital status - neither person can be currently married or separated.
• age - marriage without parental consent is the voting age in any state. With parental consent - as early as 13 years of age in some states. -relationship (kin) - law of consanguinity disallows marriage between blood relatives (2nd cousins may marry in some states). Law of marital affinity - forbids marriage of non-blood, but fairly close relatives.
• -waiting periods - last chance to reconsider - usually three days between application for license and actual legal ceremony.

Separate Property means that which was acquired before the marriage received during the marriage by one spouse only as a gift, or inheritance can become community property if commingled with the marriage's goods. Separate property states are few anymore but require that all income property is retained by the acquiring spouse. Leaves housewives in the lurch - usually some alimony rule is in effect., in the case of divorce.

Some Marital Legal Obligations:

• Husband is the head of the family

In a sense, the wife loses her identity - names, residence, and assumes husband's.
• Husband is responsible for financial support of wife in all states - husband can legally direct the family finances and must support wife and children in "the style to which they are accustomed.
• Wife is responsible for things domestic - thus she can't accumulate capital from her labor without specific legals. Wife is responsible for child care and custody usually in the case of divorce. Husband and wife have exclusive sexual rights to each other and to no others.
• Laws of adultery and fornication are present in many states.
• Failure to permit sexual access is grounds for divorce.
• Couple must reside together at least six months of every year

Interpersonal contracts

- commitment is explicitly stated
- encourages a common future.
- provides for expectation of companionship
- provides for elements of personal growth -provides for the resolution of conflict

The function of the marriage ceremony:

• -to publicly signify the new status of the couple
• -a personal contract )exchange of verbal promises) in public (maybe for the first time.).
• -a chance for extended families to show off a little, meet each other, find goodness in each other.

From David Olson's Guidelines for a Happier Marriage

• Individuals should not be encouraged to marry early.
• Maturity and financial independence should come first.
• No encouragement or pressure to marry at all. Singlehood should be viewed as an acceptable status. -Encouragement to experiment in a variety of lifestyles in order to better select options most appropriate to the individual and couple.
• Couples should be encouraged to relate openly and honestly rather than play the traditional dating-mating game.
• Couples should not marry until they have established a meaningful relationship with each other and have resolved major difficulties between themselves.
• Couples should not have children until they have established strong and viable relationships.

Annotated References

Grover, K.J. et al (1985). Mate selection processes and marital satisfaction. Family Relations, 34, 383-386. Length of courtship (over two years) prior to marriage was strongly related to marital satisfaction. These couples also did not interpret daily conflict as negatively as short-term daters.

Kendrick, D.T., Groth, G.E., Trost, M.R., & Sadalla, E.K., (1993). Integrating evolutionary and social exchange perspectives on relationships: Effects of gender, self-appraisal, and involvement level on mate selection criteria. Journal Personality and Social Psychology, 64, 951-569. Men were less selective than women in their criteria for a casual sexual partner. Their criteria had little to do with the male subjects self-ratings along dimensions of attractiveness, family orientation, dominance, and status. In mate selection however, gender differences were not significant - both genders tended to place highest value on emotional stability and agreeableness as well as attractiveness when selecting partners for marriage.

Sprecher, S., sullivan, Q., & Hatfield, E. (1994). Mate selection preferences: Gender differences examined in a national sample. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 66(6), 1074-1080. Women were more willing to marry a mate who was not good-looking, older by 5 years, earned more, and had more education. The converse being true for men, with the exception of physical attractiveness. There were no differences between groups differentiated by race.

Teachman, J.D., and Polonko, K.A. (1990). cohabitation and marital stability in the U.S., Social Forces, 69, 207-220. While interesting findings emerged, the main hypothesis that cohabitation increases the likelihood of marital disruption was not supported.

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