The American Psychological Association: http://www.apa.org/releases/rituals2.html

For a good example of how the traditions (perhaps a little more than rituals) practiced in the family can shape and motivate personality development and individual behavior, take a look at The Seventeen Traditions by Ralph Nader (see http://www.seventeentraditions.com). Here's the list of traditions his parents and siblings practiced:

1. The Tradition of Listening
2. The Tradition of the Family Table
3. The Tradition of Health
4. The Tradition of History
5. The Tradition of Scarcity
6. The Tradition of Sibling Equality
7. The Tradition of Education and Argument
8. The Tradition of Discipline
9. The Tradition of Simple Enjoyments
10. The Tradition of Reciprocity
11. The Tradition of Independent thinking
12. The Tradition of Charity
13. The Tradition of Work
14. The Tradition of Business
15. The Tradition of Patriotism
16. The Tradition of Solitude
17. The Tradition of Civics

His mother established a habit of counseling her children to look on their own heart when life events seemed to disappoint them. She would listen to their complaint and then say, "I believe it's you'". The idea behind the advice is, if we let things happen, then we have to accept some of the blame. For a biographical movie of Mr. Nader, which includes information about his childhood and parenting, go to http://www.anunreasonableman.com/ for a synopsis. Rentals available at all the usual places.

Tips For Building Children's Self-Esteem  MN Children Youth and Families Consortium Electronic Clearinghouse. Permission is granted to create and distribute copies of this document for non-commercial purposes provided that the author and MN CYFCEC receive acknowledgment and this notice is included.

How can parents and professionals help ensure that children will be responsible for their education, leisure time use and overall well-being? Dr. Robert B. Brooks, assistant professor of psychology at Harvard Medical School, believes that adults can help by fostering children's self-esteem. And he says that children will have greater self-esteem if they feel a sense of ownership and responsibility for their experiences. Many children don't have that feeling. "They think in terms of 'I have to go there. I have to do this, I have to do homework.'" It is important to their success and self-esteem that they feel they have a personal, vested interest in their activities. He offers three tips for fostering self-esteem.

Freedom to Make Mistakes.
One roadblock to feeling vested is not having the freedom to make mistakes. Brooks wishes that adults would admit that they make mistakes and talk about the nature of making mistakes - the fear, the intimidation and what it does to people. He says it is a fear that interferes with emotional development and with trying new things. Brooks recommends that adults ask children what they think are appropriate actions to take when people make a mistake. "Ask them, should we insult them and make fun of them?" Chances are children will answer no. An open discussion of their fears can serve to teach children that mistakes are normal and are part of learning. Children with good self-esteem seem to believe that mistakes are experiences to learn from rather than be defeated by, he notes. Children who do not perceive mistakes that way feel helpless, Brooks says. Thus, their mistakes really do turn out badly. "They become class clowns, class bullies, they retreat, they use drugs, they become self-destructive. . . It's learned helplessness - that feeling that regardless of what I do, I cannot bring about positive change."

Making a Contribution.
Self-esteem stems from feeling valued. "Many children and adolescents are drowning in an ocean of inadequacy. They feel they are not competent," Brooks says. "I believe every child in the world has at least one small island of competency, one area which can serve as a source of pride." Finding that island of competency and offering ways for children to contribute can help them build self-esteem. "The feeling that you are contributing is very powerful," he says. Brooks tells about a little boy who sat in the bushes every day and refused to go into the school. The boy said he liked bushes better than he liked school. Says Brooks, "I had a choice of either getting into a debate about the relative merits of bushes versus school, or I could find his island of competence, so I asked what he enjoyed doing." The boy said that he really liked caring for his pet dog. Soon the school principal invited the child to care for the school's pet rabbit. "This kid who thought he had nothing to contribute wrote a manual on taking care of pets," says Brooks. "By the end of the school year this kid had lectured to every class in school, and he told me the bushes were not exciting any more."

Giving a Choice.
A third strategy for fostering self-esteem is giving choices. "Anything can be a choice," Brooks points out. "Anything can be a decision. I read one article that said if you give kids a choice of writing in blue ink or black ink they'll write more than if you just tell them to write." Children surely will not develop a sense of ownership and responsibility if other people always decide what children will do and when and how they'll do it. Real choices, appropriate to 5-3 children's ages, also permit them to experiment, make mistakes and learn in nonthreatening situations.
Source: Adapted from the Brown University Child Behavior and Development Letter, 1991.

Family Rituals give children a sense of belongingness and a feeling of being worthwhile. They also promote a sense of identity in the child which will later serve as a basis for adult development. The importance of recurring family rituals, from the simple decision to enforce an attendance policy for evening meals to more complex family gatherings, cannot be over emphasized. 

For millennia family rituals have helped tie lives together; whether springing from religious rites, societal mores, or family cohesiveness, rituals have helped us maintain a consistency and order by providing the motivation and discipline to do the things we want to do but sometimes find difficult to begin or maintain. And yet, the word ritual invokes a sort of solemnity that most of us relegate to the status of "duty" or "obligation".

But if we look at the possibilities in ritualizing some of our current family experiences, we begin to see ourselves, our families and our time with them in a different light. Through the use of rituals, (and here the meaning of the word simply implies repeated enjoyable activities, held not necessarily on the same date or time but with the same attitudes, goals and expectations in place) we can help ourselves find the time with our kids we often feel we lack. But before we discuss establishing the rituals themselves, some time reflecting on the attitudes, goals and expectations that we and our kids have are in order.

A commonly held misconception, especially among those of us who feel as though we don't already have a solidly built relationship with our kids, is that we always have to be entertaining or fun or high-powered or exciting when we're with them. We often neglect the idea that our children want to spend time with US, often without the distractions of planned activities or unfamiliar surroundings. Taking them to the park on Sunday afternoon may sometimes be contradictory to what they need from us. Perhaps their idea of a great day with dad is one in which we're available to them, but not necessarily directing them or the activities involving them. In short, we should try to avoid "activity based" interactions with our children as our ONLY way of spending time with them. One of the pitfalls of always DOING with our children is that it allows us to pull ourselves out of the role of parent and place ourselves in the maybe too familiar role of manager and director instead. Of course, children need us to manage and direct sometimes; it is extremely important that we do our jobs as parents and set appropriate limits and expectations. It is equally important for us, however, to allow ourselves the joy of shedding our other personas and being only fathers for a while.

The rituals you do create need to be tailored to the needs, attitudes, personalities and limitations of your family. As much as possible, try to work within the framework of your "real" life. Weekly white water canoeing may be a great adventure, but is probably not a practicable ritual. You'll do best if you keep things simple and tailored to your family's lifestyle. Another misconception about establishing family rituals is that there must be a big time commitment. This is simply not the case. Ten minutes a night reading to your daughter before bed is one ritual you may wish to consider. Fifteen minutes after dinner to play catch or color or do a puzzle together can mean worlds to you and your child.

You can develop rituals and activities that take little time to carry out, but which can yield a lifetime of memories and closeness for you and your child. All rituals items have similar components, and you should keep them in mind when shaping your family's rituals. If it's not consistent, its an activity, not a ritual. Consistency does not have to mean daily, however. You may even choose to hold your family ritual at varying times. As long as the same elements are there, and done the same way each time, you should reap the benefits of this closeness building experience. Arrange the ritual around mutual interests and desires. The last thing you want to see is your son choosing not to participate because he doesn't feel the ritual means anything to him. And you can't be expected to be eagerly engaged in an activity you don't enjoy.

One handy ritual that is losing some of its potential family power is meal time. Everybody has to eat. Why not make meal time a special time?